Dear friends and nemesii,
It is unfortunate but true that I have been forced into an extended Internetless lifestyle. The world has moved on without me and after much prayer on the topic, God has returned to me my Web virginity. Which I am of course throwing away to the first cheap whores to show me a little bit of attention - my loyal readers! All... sixish of you.
So I'm sure chief on your mind is what's it like living in a hypocritical shame in the infamous spoiled psychopath breeding Naperville. As one might expect really. Firstly, Naperville hates sidewalks almost as much as poor people. Every time I walk somewhere I must trek through uncharter terrain while people who drive by yell obscenities and hurl half-empty vodka bottles at me.
It also turns out that, according to Martin, I live in the ghetto of Naperville, meaning my three-story newly-built townhouse is something most don't like to talk about. And when they must they just say things like "Well, that's basically Aurora. There are prostitutes in Aurora."
Thirdly, I have made the mistake of agreeing to live with the friend of a friend of a friend, without thoroughly checking out his credentials. I was blinded by the deal that had been presented to me: live with Kevin for free until I'm settled and back on my feet, catching up with my debts and getting back into school in the fall. It sounded too good to be true. A few days after moving in, I realized that it was, and that Kevin is going to kill me in my sleep.
The facts:
- Kevin's house looks like a model home. This is because a.) he doesn't own anything besides the basic furniture, because b.) he doesn't do anything besides work and drink. Literally. If he's not doing one of those, he is just sitting. Not watching TV (well, rarely), not reading, not eating, just SITTING. Kind of like the eyeless monster in Pan's Labyrinth.
- Kevin drinks all the damned time. He goes to the bar almost every night, but always pregames (and postgames) at home. One day, Chris and I were leaving the house at 3PM, and he had already had five beers! And he was about to go out to the bar! Just terrible.
- Kevin has sex with his girlfriend and doesn't shut his bedroom door, even though I am watching TV in the room right outside. Multiple times this has happened. And loud sex. Not that it really matters since there's no buffer anyway, but very very loud. He also thinks it is nice to tell me or Chris or Katie about how his girlfriend will give him blowjobs while he's driving, and once he got pulled over for it.
- Kevin is a "neat freak." This is in quotes because it's not really true. He and his girlfriend will claim he is, but really he is just controlling and doesn't want to know that I exist. So he creates these obnoxious rules to keep things "clean" but in reality, they are just to make me disappear. Among his ridiculous nonsensical complaints, my personal favorite: Kevin is very upset that there is more trash on trash day. First of all, this doesn't affect anything ever. Secondly, what is anyone supposed to do about it? It's not that I don't throw my trash away or take it to the curb, because I do that. It's that there is just more. Other things he doesn't like: once I was drawing upstairs and went downstairs to get a drink, leaving my bedroom light on. This obviously was devastating to Kevin because I had wasted electricity. Also, he claims that I am followed by a swarm of dirt everywhere I go, I assume like Pigpen from the Charlie Brown comics. The best part of all of these complaints are that he doesn't follow any of his rules himself. I will post pictures soon, but the messes he makes will blow your mind. The other day I came downstairs and everything from the cabinet was thrown on the floor of the kitchen, as well as several newspapers and some clothes. Just thrown on the floor. I asked his girlfriend why this was and she said that the night before they "were just very excited." Meanwhile, I left a glass out once when I first moved in and haven't heard the end of it yet. Just wait until you see the pictures.
- Kevin asked me to pay him rent the first day I came home from my job. Despite completely disregarding the deal, this was also illogical due to the fact I had obviously not been paid yet and still had no money. When I explained these points to Kevin, he was shocked, as douchebags often are.
- One day recently I came home to find a letter from Kevin taped to my door in which he told me to pack up all my things and get out. Luckily, I had already been planning on leaving at the end of the month anyway, and had an apartment lined up and ready to go, however I was still surprised and as usual confused by his bullshit made-up reasonings. Then I found out that he has been actually trying to get rid of me for awhile, because he wanted his girlfriend to move in. This is because he PROPOSED TO HER AFTER ONLY DATING LESS THAN THREE MONTHS!!!!!!
THREE MONTHS!!!!!! Who does that?! Who says "yes" to that?!?!?!
Anyway, next weekend I am thankfully on my way out. Unfortunately, the one sad thing is that I have to leave my totally awesome job. I am - believe it - an optical technician. It was by far the most random ridiculous job I could have stumbled into. And I love it. Aside from the fact that on my first day alone I snapped an old lady's glasses in half. I have pictures of that for you all soon. Chris' favorite part of that story is after I warned the lady that I was new and she probably didn't want me to touch her glasses, she said: "everyone has to learn sometime! Just don't break them in half!" Great.
However, even after leaving the optomitry career behind, I still have the music. I am art guy over at So Long Charlie Inc. Check out their
website, that's my handy work as their profile picture. I also designed their t-shirts and other memorabelia soon, plus a photoshoot later this month. Hoorah!
Elsewhere, and more oddly, it seems I am also doing the art for Martin's band. I know this is hard to believe because it requires Martin to have a friend and also be able to sing and/or play the guitar, but he has excelled in at least one of those (not singing or making friends). Apparently, Martin has been playing guitar on the streets of LA like a homeless person. This should not be surprising since Martin has always related to them more than real people anyway. So Martin is playing music on the street when he meets this other faux homeless guy musician who looks a little like Bob Dylan and they decide to collaborate. After making a MySpace, Homeless Dylan Kid wants Martin to take a picture for their profile. Hilarious! After Martin has threatened to kill himself, Dylan Kid suggests they use the portrait I drew Martin for his birthday last year that includes Martin's face next to Bob Dylan's. He also decided he was going to get "creative" and Photoshop the picture of Dylan to look more like him. This apparently meant he was going to blur the nose into nonexistance.
Judge for yourself. If you're going to ask me why some of their songs are in French, I am just going shake my head and cry a little. Oh yeah, and ask me about the TR Knight story next time you see me.
Anyways, I'm going to be home soon when my mom goes into get surgery on her knees, to help out and pick up some of my things, so hopefully I'll get to see some of you gangsters then. I'm so bored up here! My closest friends are hours away! I went into Denny's once to find the Naperville versions of us, but I found were a bunch of frat guys discussing what position they'd play if they were homosexuals. Close enough, right?
