Whore-ay for Barsluts

QUOTE OF THE DAY
DRUNK GIRL: What's the name of that guy? That guy on Blue's Clues? Steve! It's Steve! That little rapist... he's always sitting in his thinking chair. I know what he's thinking about, that whore! Anyway, that's what your shirt reminds me of.

So Friday night I was at a bar called Duke O'Briens for So Long Charlie's leukemia benefit. Mike the guitarist's wife Erika is a nurse and she's doing this one hundred mile Bike for the Cure thing and she also organized this event, where half the ticket price went to the cause plus there was a raffle and a date auction with band members Bill and Paul, and also manager Katie. Going in, only Bill was really excited about it, and even shaved his facial hair into a celebratory "Cinco de Moustache."

There are two points of interest to tell you about this night. Firstly, there was a Cardinals vs. Cubs game airing on all the TVs and this is the first time the non-Chris members of the band learned I was a Cards fan. Unfortunately, the non-Chris members of the band are also the only ones who would actually care. They were very unforgiving, even though Paul lived in Edwardsville for five years (he claims he still managed not to be "influenced), and even though I agreed with Mike earlier that his new car was the color of a beautiful fern (mostly because it was the best comparison I had heard in years), and even after I explained that Jason Isringhouser was my cousin Richie's college roommate so I was required to be supportive for years. In case you didn't see the game, it went into extra innings but ultimately the Cardinals prevailed. Now I may or may not have rubbed it in to the guys, but Mike decided he was going to take the initiative and start yelling "he's a CARDS FAN!!!" and point at me in the middle of a Chicago sports bar. I was literally booed for at least five minutes. There was cursing and the middle finger, but mostly it was the booing that caught me off guard. It just seemed very well-organized. And traumatizing.

Meanwhile, Paul was getting acquainted with a girl named Maura. Now aside from having a ridiculous 1805 era name, Maura is a desperate young slut. The moment she walked in, she had set her sights on Paul and she was not going to give up for anything. We have a saying here in Crystal Lake that goes:
Chris loves Justin
Justin loves Paul
Paul loves little girls
Little girls love dolls
Dolls love nothing
It doesn't make much sense, granted, but the important part here is "Paul loves little girls" because it is true. And Maura said the magic words to win Paul over: "I'm only 18 - buy me a drink." From then on, we had Maura in our posse, creating awkward situations whenever she deemed necessary to open her mouth. It soon became obvious that Maura was not going-on-19-college 18, but still-in-high-school 18, which is much less pleasant, especially when it starting coming clear that she probably wasn't even 18 yet, and especially when she did things like ask Katie in all seriousness, "are you an emo?" Good call, Maura; and what lunch table do you sit at? The auction came soon after and Paul was up, so we decided to make a bad situation better by making the little ho work for her man and upping the bids until she had to pay $45. Yay! Statutory rape for leukemia!

Over all it was a success. The old dude who won the big raffle donated all $200+ back to the charity. Bill and Katie bought each other at the auction and decided to use their date to see the new Harold and Kumar, and possibly some fondling. I won a t-shirt, and also some other whore told Chris' straight-laced Christian father that she wanted to "fuck the shit out of Chris, too bad he's gay" which means that at least I won't be at the bottom of his parents' list come judgment day.

I'm traveling to Milauakee tonight. Wish me luck in my survival.

Also, I finally got around to loving Runaways. Anyone else out there? Someone make Jenna get one of these.