Hey Larry, if you like insurance so much, why don't you marry it?

QUOTE OF THE DAY
MY MOTHER: So I was excited because I was going to have a lot of time to read, so I went to the library and I got this novel about N'Sync.
ME: Excuse me? Did you just say N'Sync?
MY MOTHER: Yes, it's a novel about them. Aren't they a band you like?
ME: No, Mom. They're not a band I like. And are you sure this is a novel? This isn't a back issue of Teen Beat from the '90s?
MY MOTHER: Yes! It's a novel that N'Sync wrote about their lives! Why are you making fun of me?! It could be good! How would you even know?! Did you read the N'Sync novel?!

So my trip to the doctor did not go as well as I was hoping. My first clue should've been that I was seeing someone who only went by Larry, no title or anything. Anyway, it turns out that I was on my dad's insurance policy, and "are you aware that your dad hasn't been paying it for over two years?!" Yeah, that may or may not be because he's dead, lady. Anyway, Larry refused to see me. So then, seeing as I hadn't planned to be at the doctor's for five minutes, I had one hour before my bus came. So I got stuck in the rain. Which was just what I needed being horrendously sick for six days.

Out of depression, I stumbled into the nearby KFC to get some comfort food, where I was appalled to find that they don't have macaroni and cheese anymore. The bitch working there made a huge deal about my asking and dramatically tried to remember the last time they had macaroni and cheese, which she estimated to be around the time her son graduated from high school in 1994. I was like, "listen here, whore, I am almost positive that I went here with my grandma in 2000 and got macaroni and if I could prove it, I would punch you in your face." Except I didn't actually say that. I just ate my popcorn chicken in silent rage. As Caitlin noted, she also ate KFC that same night. She had the chicken strips.

Then my mom got all mad at Larry and so she bought me like five different kinds of medicines and vitamins and made me take them all at once, which I'm not sure how great of an idea that was. She's also on this kick where she's overly offended by the cursing, because she's worried I can't censor myself at Good Shepherd. So she flips the fuck out when I say "damn," which of course just makes me do it even more.

I got my first racist customer at Target. He said "shit" a lot and told me a long story about how he likes to hide and jump out at black kids during Halloween and how sometimes they try to fight him afterwards. It was lovely.

I'm not sure how many people I told the great news to, but here it is just in case. For months before I got hired on at Target, my mom was obsessed with me getting a job at the St. Louis Bread Co, where I did not want to work because a.) it was St. Louis Bread Co, and b.) my frenemy Daniel Jones worked there and I wasn't sure about being in such close proximity to him with him being my superior, because that would be really annoying. Anyway, I got hired at Target. So what happens next? Oh yeah, Daniel gets hired at Target last week. UGH!!!!!!! But the looks on our faces when we first saw each other were priceless. Our conversation went something like this:
DANIEL: I didn't know you worked here.
ME: Yeah. This is going to be interesting.
DANIEL: I may have to shoot myself in the face now.
ME: Not if I shoot you first.
Then I punched him in the spine. Anyway, his orientation was yesterday and so I went to my manager who was running it and told him to ostracise Daniel and pick on him a lot. So by the end of the day, I was getting off work and I passed the orientation people getting done and this conversation occurs:
MANAGER: Hey, it looks like you can torture him in person now!
DANIEL: I am going to get you back for this, Justin!!!
ME: (to my manager, unimpressed) He can never give it as good as he gets it.
Also, who says "I am going to get you back for this!"? That is straight supervillain right there.

Anyway, Jessica is ready for bed, so I am going to head out. I have to rendezvous with Jake's iPhone at the party downstairs. I hear it came dressed as a sinister gorilla. Excitement.